Everything Is So Finite

Life Recently...

2012-01-25T15:51:00.000+08:00

Been spending time being vain in washrooms or elevators because I don't know better :)) Wala pa mga film photos ko eh, I have 2 rolls to finish and no good place to shoot.

The Curse of Old Photographs

2012-01-18T22:37:00.001+08:00

For dwellers like me, we suffer from the things we choose not to forget. I remember what Celine said, from the movie Before Sunrise, that "memories are wonderful things, if you don't have to deal with the past." So then, while I smile at pictures I took of nights spent with glorious company, I ache a little for I've also captured things/people that are no longer here but which I cannot bring myself to erase. A photograph may seem to be just what your eyes can see, but behind the lens, those calculating eyes see differently.

2012-01-03T03:27:00.000+08:00

I cannot believe I have never seen Dead Poet's Society until now. I mean, what movies was I watching before then?? This film has moved me beyond anything in comparison as of date. See how I've been living like I'm between sleeping and awakening?? I hear some deep quotable words of wisdom and it changes my life. I see the actors clearly playing a role and tears starts building up when they're frustrated. I cry with them when they're in remorse, my lungs tighten from mere expressions of passion transmitted on the computer screen. I bind my feelings in a straitjacket only to release more of what was originally there.

But I'm glad I've watched it at this time of my life when it feels like I'm perpetually submerged in water. Then this movie pulls me up and I learned to breathe and realize how absurd I was for holding my breath all this time. There's this part of the film where the English teacher Mr. Keating (played by Robin Williams) said these beautiful words:

"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, "O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless... of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?" Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play *goes on* and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?"

There was an opening for an Assistant HR Manager recently for Holiday Inn Hotel, which is one of the hotel chains of the company I work for, and my former team manager urged me to send my resume. It has been, what, 5 days since and I still feel like I did when I first heard of it: not this time. There's a part that says this may be an opportunity and what a waste I didn't seize it (or even try) but there's this bigger part that doesn't want to even try because it could mean success--to successfully be eaten by the corporate world which will be the death of me. Perhaps this is me rationalizing, or the fear talking, or the laziness contented with what already is. I sure hope not. Because at 21, I know so many exciting things to accomplish! But I quote Celine from the movie Before Sunset: There are so many things I want to do, but I end up doing not much.

My Playlist Will Make You Sleepy

2012-01-01T02:11:00.000+08:00

I think Facebook's timeline is sheer genius. And the cover photo is the tip of its brilliance. Honestly, I was reluctant to join the bandwagon but then the cover photo lured me in. Imagine the pictures you can put up in that massive space! It screams the person's personality and its a good spot to highlight whatever moment, or people or whatnot. If only its not irritating, I would change my cover photo each week showing all the bands I love. Which brings me to this thought I've been having recently: how come most of the band I love don't make albums anymore. I mean, Phoenix, Passion Pit, Snow Patrol, Temper Trap!!! What's taking you guys so long? #demanding much

In the meantime, I have met new loves to compensate my needs for some eargasmic experience. I've discovered Two Door Cinema Club, Foster The People, Foals, and The National (!!!) Thank heavens for Torrent. Mumford & Sons is currently downloading but internet won't cooperate. Ugh. I wish I'd meet a guy who likes the same music I do. He doesn't need to listen to the exact same bands, it'll be cool if I discover new ones through him. Then I won't have to stay up late waiting for downloads to finish. Haha. Then we'd go to concerts together. Death Cab For Cutie is coming to the Philippines on March according to Rico Blanco on Facebook! I was on the bus when I thought if I'd go, who would I be going with?

2011-12-30T01:51:00.001+08:00

This is an entry about a girl I like to call Memo. Thoughts of her suddenly filled my wandering mind when I saw, from the corner of my eye, a car that looks exactly like the one she owns. Which, I must add, she named Nimble. In my head I thought, wow, although she didn't get the car she really wanted (I think), she got a nice one. Hell, I think what she's got is even better than what she originally wanted! But that's beside the point. And I thought, wow, she's even in Australia now as I write. She's been in places I would let myself be enslaved by work just to get there! LOL. A voice in my head spoke, as if mocking me, "she even got a dSLR before you did, wooow!" I dismissed the thought by even more thoughts of her: how she's good a music, arts, and sports (she can be a MAPEH teacher wahaha!); how's she's got this pale skin that doesn't seem penetrable by sunlight; how she's got good looks (and even better looking friends *ahem*) and so on and so forth. Man, you sure are lucky! At least from the outside. But even so...Happy birthday na nga lang! XD

Digital Need

2011-12-28T12:58:00.004+08:00

Photo by PJ

Sometimes, I get this urge to buy myself a digital SLR; although I know that I don't need it, I can get by 20 more years of life without it, and that I already have my analog which I love more than anything else. But its just so convenient having the moment be captured in split-second without having to wait for months before seeing the result!

Even though Christmas Eve and Christmas day itself wasn't in any way outstanding, the entire month has been awesome. Looking at it in a gestalt perspective, "The whole is indeed greater than the sum of the parts." And in a few days, we are back to square one: new year is coming. They said the world is going to end on December 21 (or was it last May or October) but waitasec, we were painting cherry blossoms on Ruth's wall that day. LOL. I'm not mocking the prophecies and I'm deadly afraid of dying (I have yet to try black and white photography dammit!) but I'm hoping for a better year.

2011-12-26T01:09:00.000+08:00

I had to go to work on Christmas Eve. Which was actually not such a bad thing. I like the solitude, the quietness when there are just a handful of people on the floor. Holiday greetings were exchanged to the very few who had to work too. Even the kuya manong guard was feeling the Yuletide season. Nothing like a genuine smile to warm the heart from the cold weather. And the weather is just one of the many things that's cold these days.

On the way to the office, I watched "Life In A Day". I shall have an entire entry for that next time. I have been inspired by that movie/documentary it will be hard to fit it in one paragraph.

This Christmas, I've realized that its not the quantity of food you're able to put in the table when it's all going to be consumed in the end. Its not the gifts too really, since its all bound to be broken. No amount of food or presents under the tree would make you any happier if you are not. (Well my mom's spaghetti is an exemption lol)

On Christmas day, I was still out working. It was actually a pretty good excuse to wore the scarf I bought in HK. I read in this month's Esquire that, "in the Philippines, a drop of two degrees in the weather calls for scarves and boots". Haha! And to think I seriously planned on wearing my ankle boots to work earlier. Good thing I decided against it. I wore red on Christmas Eve though! So cliche but it never fails to make me feel pretty. Haha! Just how lotion on my newly bathed body makes me feel sexy. Clearly, I don't have more important things to say.

Dear Hanna,

2011-12-19T00:31:00.007+08:00

This is a long post about Paskuhan. Sabi ni Rebecca Añonuevo, "Bihirang maisulat ang kaligayahan". I have long since proven it. And last night was one of them.

Ruth and I were exchanging text messages days before Paskuhan, planning and updating each other kung sino pupunta and hindi. She was on the brink of giving up kasi ang dami hindi pwede and the chance of getting all together was next to impossible. Todo moral support naman ako kay Ruthee! I was decided to have fun. I have been looking forward to this night ever since December started and nothing will ruin it.

So donning my velvet-y ankle boots (which everyone noticed, to my surprise XD) I went to UST and took the one route I have taken everyday just half a year ago. Whew! Ang bilis ng panahon!

We all agreed to meet at Plaza Calderon at 8pm. I got there a few minutes after 8, Ruthee and Raf were on their way. I almost jumped to my feet in excitement when I saw Paul's face in the sea of unfamiliar faces. We all thought he couldn't make it.

Paul was showing me the pictures he took in Singapore when Raf and Ruthee showed up. I can still remember how pretty Ruthee was with her curly hair and outfit. Not too long, Pau joined us, we took pictures, and suddenly the fireworks began. Like ants drawn to something sweet, everyone gathered to the field; all heads up towards the sky and soon enough we witnessed magic.

We went to buy Fanchu and stood talking to one another at the Plaza Mayor afterwards; like how we used to after classes, kapag masyado pang maaga umuwi at kahit nag bbye na tayo sa isa't-isa we couldn't disperse haha! BF syndrome :D We listened to Sandwich and Rico Blanco from where we stood.

We saw Gem and some of Ruthee's friends. And Boyet too! After some time, we all decided to go to Harbor Square. We took the Lover's Lane to exit at España and buti na lang we stalled and kind of just stood behind Benavides to take pictures of the Main Building kasi Urbandub took the stage! It was a really nice surprise for me! :D We finished their set. We were about leave when we saw Meme! But she was with some friend and we left without her :(

We took a cab to Harbor Square and had drinks at Dencio's and then spent the rest of the night at Starbucks. Mejo na tipsy si Ruthee haha! I can't help but get infected by Pau's bliss when she talks about the guy she fancies at work. And I didn't realize how I missed deep conversations until I talked about life and universe with Raf.

It would be an understatement to say that "I wish you were there". Let's not fool ourselves. It would have been the best night ever though if the ending was us crashing at your apartment without taking our make-up off, just changing whatever cute dress we wore to baggy clothes, and falling to your bed only to wake up looking at the photos we took of the night before, laughing and eating and... You know how we do it :)

2011-11-23T18:57:00.003+08:00

Today, I drowned myself with Kisses dark chocolates and listened to The Nationals until I felt sorry for myself. Hahaha! Just like the picture above by this new photographer I like: his name is Sean Marc Lee. Stayed in bed all morning. Nothing like sad songs and sweet things to keep you company on a lazy Wednesday afternoon. Nothing like hopes and dreams to keep you up at night.

2011-11-15T12:02:00.000+08:00

"How much of human life is lost in waiting?"

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

The problem with being dramatic is...you like it.

2011-11-11T00:23:00.006+08:00

Lately, I've been chasing buses and jeeps.

I'm either running for it on the way to work or on the way home. Someone actually shouted, "Uy wag kang tumakbo baka madapa ka!" earlier and just now I realized how funny I must have looked like. People only tell that to kids right??

A med student happened to share my seat in the bus on the way home. I wanted to strike a conversation. Something like those in the movies where they make it look so easy not to sound creepy talking to a stranger out of the blue. Our conversation went well, in my head at least. He got off at the next stop.

He wasn't my type but I wanted to ask him do you have a girlfriend? How do you handle your relationship despite the workload? Because you know, last time I checked, someone dumped me for it. Or at least that's how he made it look like.

And the pathetic thing here is, I still send him messages that were never returned. Who do I blame for wanting to? Does blaming anyone even makes a difference? Useless questions! Like how useless my attempts are at holding back.

I'll just wait until I get over these feelings. Or maybe, since I've been doing running of my own, I could just run from it instead?

2011-11-08T14:49:00.003+08:00

I haven't been blogging as much as I used to. I don't know if its because of the lack of time or the substance to do so. If I'm not ranting about work and being dramatic about missing people, I don't seem to know what else to talk about. Sometimes, I even forget why I write in the first place.

Which is a bad, bad thing to do you know. Because when you're doing it for yourself it breathes passion and passion you should not ignore!

2011-11-02T20:10:00.002+08:00

All I want is to fit in the corners of your body and share your warmth.

Powered by Redbull

2011-10-24T19:35:00.003+08:00

Tired from all the shopping and sight-seeing we did during the day, I was determined to get a good rest when we reached home. But Paige was determined to party. So she made me drink red bull, I slipped into my red dress, and soon we were in the taxi back to Jaffe Road.

It was not even 10 in the evening when we got there and the bars were just warming up, so we had dinner at this Italian restaurant called Amici where we had this great Margherita pizza with a fantastic Mojito on the side. After dinner, we had more drinks at Swindler's where we danced to the Filipino band that performed RnB (thank god for modern more familiar music) with a bottle of Smirnoff on one hand and the other one up in the air.

It turns out that the bartender, Mike, is a Filipino too. He gave us complimentary shots of this coconut and lemon mix called Nothing. We ended up buying 6 more because it was orgasmic. I was buzzed. Next thing I know I was in the dance floor dancing with the band vocalist. And no, we didn't entertain strangers, we came there to dance. And that we did.

When we finished our drinks, we walked (kinda swaying and I remembered we couldn't stop giggling for some unknown reason) back to Spicy Fingers to meet Tita Bong. We hung around a bit. I couldn't dance more even if I wanted to: too tired and tipsy! Sleep won me over soon and I don't remember doing anything else after I got out of my lacey red dress!

First day: In bullets

2011-10-19T10:59:00.006+08:00

Paige and I got lost half of the time we were in Hong Kong. It was bound to happen at some point. Good thing there were maps located almost everywhere and at the sight of it we scream, MAAAAAP!!! and run towards it.

After getting the much needed sleep, we headed out early to see the Big Buddha. We climbed 100 steps to reach it and upon seeing it up close, Paige and I talked a bit about Buddhist philosophy. I remembered her saying that one of its most important ideas is to "Just be."

Things I like in Hong Kong:

-Public transportation: they follow strict schedules, always on time, no pollution!
-Shops! No wonder people have style there!
-Weather: never too hot, never too cold.
-And the city is clean.

On the other hand:

-Locals there have this way of thinking out loud and talking to themselves which I find rather weird.
-Food there needs a lot of getting used to.
-It must be the reason locals smell different/not nice there too. Haha!

Let the mayhem commence!

2011-10-18T13:55:00.004+08:00

Just hours from landing on Hong Kong airport it was already midnight; we rode a bus and took what seemed like an endless journey to Wan Chai. Everything was laced with city lights, the tunnels, the streets, the bridges. It was like driving through a maze dipped in gold.

On the airplane, Manila was from above, an intricate display of pulsating electricity. Whatever that means haha! It just reminded me of an angiogram, like veins of yellow lights stemming all over the black earth in chaotic harmony. Everything was pretty from a far.

From the bus, we got into a cab with an irate local taxi driver who threw curses on us (I'm glad we didn't understand a single word). Walked two blocks from Jaffe Road to Spicy Fingers. Met Tita Bong, sitting outside the bar, alone but surrounded by people, mostly Americans. She was slightly tipsy, with traces of mascara surrounding her eyes. Her soft curls sexily parted on the side.

From then, several things started happening all at once: some band were performing Sex On Fire; we were introduced by some new-found friends; was offered wine and a smoke; a red neck stranger picked me up from behind and carried me like a life-sized doll; had dinner at this Filipino-Indonesian place called Cinta-J just across the bar, where an old Japanese and a bunch of older French men sang songs my parents danced to back in the days.

That's how Hong Kong welcomed me.

10 Things I Know To Be True

2011-09-28T05:32:00.007+08:00

I watched this video a few months back on a blog. In that video, spoken word poet Sarah Kay talks about how she teaches the art to young students. It inspired the blogger I have discovered this from to write her own "10 Things I Know To Be True" (one of the ways Sarah Kay gets her students to write poetry) and now I am writing my own list that I have thought hard at during the whole of September, when I turned 21.

1. "There must be quite a few things that a hot bath won't cure, but I don't know many of them." -Sylvia Plath

2. Life is hard and it can be cruel. But there is so much awesomeness in it too.

3. The best way to live life is through "The Middle Way"

4. The only thing you can control is yourself.

5. Thoughts have an immense influence on our behavior.

6. I miss him so much.

7. There's really nothing like a good music to make you feel better.

8. Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.

9. If you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything.

10. Easiest way to be happy is by learning to appreciate.

I sure know more truths than these but there's a whole lot more that I haven't figured out yet. One thing is for sure, Sarah Kay is amazingly inspiring. Here is one of her poems that I love. Ah, the clever wordplay!

Retrograde Sadness

2011-09-25T10:18:00.008+08:00

At the moment, life is a wall of framed pictures with one portrait sightly pointing downward and no matter how many times I adjust it, it just keeps sliding down! And I'm a little bit obsessive-compulsive.

There is nothing like a well-spent Tuesday night.

2011-09-07T10:09:00.004+08:00

Never mind that I had to go through hell to Commonwealth just to meet up with Ruth last night who happens to live at the other side of the city, it was one of my best nights ever. I've never had the chance to pass thru EDSA on a rush hour so I wasn't prepared for what I've been introduced to: mad bus drivers zigzagging to get through the traffic, blowing their horns hard enough it'd blow your ears, and sending off smoke trailing clouds of dirt. Not to mention I rode an ordinary bus and the route was totally unfamiliar. It was exciting to get lost for a while, relishing the rawness of city night life, but then I found myself cursing under my breath for the rest of the ride.

Fast forward to where Ruth and I reached Tomas Morato where we were supposed to get drinks and I'll have myself drunk and happy, we ended up eating at Sicillian, exchanging thoughts in between mouthful of that Cheese Margherita. I fought the urge to cry at one point.

It's a good thing Ruth brought me to this ice cream parlor across the street called ParaDis. We ordered strawberry with red beet, vanilla and milk, and I just had to order chocolate and tomato. Such an exciting gastronomic experience! We had to walk around the city for a bit after we left because we were so full; funny how at one moment, we just stood there facing each other, nowhere to go, talking the whole time. It felt like our own version of Before Sunrise and there's more to it. Past midnight, we rode a taxi to Techno Hub, sat on the steps, and talked some more.

She gave me a paper bag filled with goods from her recent trip to Cebu, a picture of us hugging, and boxes of films. I was beside myself with happiness! I will always remember her as someone who gives well-thought of gifts.

We sure did talk about many things. Paul showed up past 2am and the conversation shifted from work to the hassles of everyday living. Good times. We drove to his village around 4 because Paul still has work to go to unlike me (muahaha) and Ruth and I had drinks at Mini Stop. We never ran out of things to tell to each other! After what seemed like a long time (an hour in reality) we left, my face all red from just one bottle of Tanduay Ice!

This entry is getting way too long as planned. The remaining hours before sunrise were spent on the roof top of Ruth's house which is currently under-renovation. We weren't lucky enough to witness the sunrise though, and I left early to avoid the morning rush. I had many things to ponder on, I thought, as I started my long journey home. But sleep got the better of me.

2011-09-01T03:12:00.005+08:00

I've taken good care over the years not hurt anyone intentionally. If I had, I am sorry and I mean it from the core of my heart. It is not in my nature to cause harm or suffering to anyone. If I have hurt you, I ache just as much. I'll work on being a better person.

Its the first of September and I'm turning 21 in nine days. Time and dates are just man's invention, come to think of it, still, I sometimes feel I haven't been contributing to life and to the world more than I should--given the length of my existence.

It sucks when your rest days fall on weekdays and you can't go out 'cause your friends are busy. When they're not, well, you are. And you suck more than they do because you work on weekends. And I'm awake during hours where normal people sleep, and sleep by the time normal people wake.

So I just stayed in bed all day, alone by myself. My parents are at the hospital for the next two days, my siblings are at work. I listened to music, my color pencils scattered on one side of the bed, my films spread across the other side. There's one year worth of memories in those tiny frames and I recalled them one by one against the sun coming from the window until there was no light and day has once again gave way to night. I fell asleep.

If I could blow a candle on my birthday, there's just one thing I would wish for...I wish its October already.

2011-08-11T01:05:00.000+08:00

I went to UST yesterday to visit Marko. Ang sarap ng feeling to be back there! When I stepped inside the grounds I once knew so well, it felt oddly great, like you are about to meet a good friend after a long while. Simply put, it was comforting.

I was a different person back when my world revolved around college. You could say I liked myself better back then haha or I guess its because I found life so fulfilling when all I had to do was see my friends and learn something new everyday. But with my present circumstances, I've changed. And will continue to, inevitably.

Later that night, we saw a former block mate, Kaye, who goes to Med school with him too. She talked about how stressful and hard it is; how she cries every week. Sitting beside her, I thought, as I watch her speak, I know exactly what you mean. I suddenly realized how many of us are forced to do things we don't exactly like and how much we suffer from them. We're in our 20s, we're technically young, free, and exceptionally able, yet the lives we chose to lead keeps us from really living.

I mean, I don't speak for the entirety of young adults out there. Lucky are those who have found their calling at such an early age. You are immensely envied. I guess, I keep talking about how discontented I am with my present situation that I forget its just how I choose to see things that will result to how my feelings will eventually follow.

Carry On

2011-08-03T22:24:00.000+08:00

Thank God for good music, hot bath, warm bed, and the thought of my films materializing three to five days from now. I'm grateful for color pencils, and moisturizing cream. And most of all, I'm thankful for my mom because she is healthy and she's home. Everything is fine again.

2011-07-31T12:25:00.000+08:00

Its amazing how some peeple are just so good at keeping their feelings to themselves. I'm not a master of that game, but I thought I had the potential for it having been so good at keeping it cool and collected all my life. Boys are exceptionally great at this, I think. Or perhaps its what the society taught them and they learned it the hard way. I sometimes think, is it just because I'm a girl that's why I tend to get overboard with my emotions or its really just part of being human to get hurt by certain things, regardless of whether its petty or not, when you care about it. I don't know anymore. So many points to consider.

The rainy weather plus technically home-alone since my parents are out, my brother is working, my sister is sleeping, left me with no choice but be alone with my thoughts. And what the fuck is wrong with me sometimes? I listen to Radiohead and the thought of working on a Sunday night is enough for me to tear up.

Alam ko naman na there are far worse things than this. But I say this all the time, you can't help but feel what you feel, kahit na ba our feelings are also just the results of our thoughts. You can only control them, pero nakakapagod na din paminsan.

Things Desired

2011-07-28T08:55:00.000+08:00

This month is finally reaching its end. I found myself letting out a big sigh earlier at work when I realized I have just survived this awfully long, unkind month of July. Max Ehrmann, the genius behind the famous Desiderata, once wrote that "Many fears are born out of fatigue and loneliness," and I have been both and let me tell you it's a bad, bad combination.

Sometimes when I don't have much left in life to look forward to, I think of my unprocessed films in my drawers and feel grateful. They are my horcruxes, I leave little bits of myself in each and everyone of them. I promise, if I ever find time, I will make sure I'll have them processed this August! So I won't have to look for happiness where I can't find it.

Negativity on the side, July proved to be not entirely depressing, contrary to the weather it came along with. I had my weekends full and satisfying; catching up with friends, hanging out with Marko, documenting life in my journal, listening to good music--little things that make such big difference to my sanity.

The line from Desiderata continues saying, "Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself."

The fact that I might soon run out inspirational thoughts to keep me going is inevitable. No one is born an optimist anyway, but the Buddha told me 'we are shaped by our thoughts. We become what we think.' and I'll take his word for it.

2011-06-26T05:10:00.000+08:00

Part of my job description entails managing accounts and a great deal of it needs to be done whilst facing a computer and juggling 3-4 programs while conversing to someone whose details only take form in letters and numbers.

I was able to take real live calls for the first time last night. I was nervous, like I was about to face death, that although the idea seems far from happening, it was going to, eventually. It turned out alright, I guess. It wasn't half as bad as dying, thank goodness. I emerged alive and even thought that I can get use to it.

All of these are new to me obviously, and anything new and unfamiliar can get really frightening. But as it turns out, once you exit the door of your own fears and irrational beliefs, the ones that held you in captivity inside your head, it feels liberating. Good. Nice. Okay. Enough of these sugar-coating what my week has been so far. Because its too early to roll the credits when the rest of this is just about to start.

I leave you guys with this comic strip from this awesome home bred illustrator you can read more from here.

2011-06-23T11:40:00.000+08:00

What are you willing to give up in exchange to fulfilling your dreams?

Ramblings you ought not to read about.

2011-06-21T09:13:00.000+08:00

These are thoughts I can only make sense of when written. Hence, this entry.

I have a job now. I won't go into the details of it and speak no more than to tell you that what we do is take calls and manage accounts. And only a week remains until training ends and I submerge myself into the real deal, before I take live calls and to finally taste what this job really has to offer. Stress and toxicity opening their arms, cradling me with malicious intent.

I have been thinking about life lately, as if I haven't had enough thinking already, and along with the recent documentary I saw called Zeitgeist: Moving Forward (the 3rd and latest installment), my views on all sorts of things has now geared towards a wider and somehow different road.

I don't know if I've just reached a whole new level of gullibility or the film was outright convincing that I was really moved by the concepts that were introduced. In a nutshell, they are promoting a society living in the absence of money and labor, free from politics and any religious ideas, of violence and poverty; all of which may seem far-fetched in this lifetime but flying and electricity was once thought to be far-fetched as well but look at what we have now.

It has also made a greater impact on how I see my priorities now. I was once asked by my colleague on how long do I plan on staying with the company and I said "until I think I can" but at the back of my mind I thought uhhh, forever? I haven't really thought of it yet but I don't see myself going through all the trouble of pre-employment in the long-run again.

Bata pa daw naman ako she said. Already 26, she adds, she better start moving towards her goals and this job is basically just a stepping stone. This led me to thinking about my own goals as well. And I thought hard because I for one, don't think my goals are serious enough to be taken seriously but then again so what right? Hahaha.

All I ever wanted when I grow up (yes not grow old) is to have (in no particular order) a satisfying marriage, warm relationship with my family and friends, healthy life, and to continue creating things whatever form it may be. You can pitch in a 'fulfilling and productive work' there too. But at the moment, I wonder why I don't see myself with something, you know. I mean, for a lack of better word to describe it, a career. I'm laughing in my head now thinking of my friend Hanna and how "careers are just 20th century invention." or something like that.

Wish you were here.

2011-06-06T16:38:00.000+08:00

This is my good friend, Hanna. She's now in Chicago and I made sure I see her at the airport the night she left. To watch her leave and see her dad and brother say their goodbyes was heartbreaking. I wasn't sad although I know that's what I was supposed to feel. Relief was what I felt mostly, to be quite honest. Relieved that we finally got it over with. I've prepared myself for this moment long before, that bidding her farewell was like the last act we just had to bring ourselves to do.

Marko and I went back to MOA afterwards to meet Ruth and had the same cakes we ate on the night Hanna turned 19 just a few months back. Because the store was closing at 11, we drove back to my house. On our way there, I received a text message from Paul. We decided to go to Tagaytay all of a sudden! It was past midnight and the streets were empty, we were going on 160mph I think? haha with the windows pulled down and Phoenix playing on the background....Who could've have thought the night would turn that way. I didn't, but I'm glad it did. What's missing in the picture was Hanna who I'm sure would come all the way if she was there with us.

P.S. Marko hit a cat for the first time on our way home. Paul was so affected he sulked for the rest of the ride >< haha

2011-06-05T22:57:00.001+08:00

I always try to live in the moment. But in a way, the more I consciously do it, the more it feels harder to achieve. For example, I say to myself, take each training day at a time. What happens is when I'm at work, I think of sleep and the comforts of my bed. When I'm about to sleep, I think of work and worry about whether I'll be able to make it through and whatnot. Living in the moment isn't exactly easy as it sounds. You try to take as much as you can from what is in front of you at that time but the more you realize the realness of the moment, the more it gets clear that the same moment will be gone as soon as you realize it. Kuha mo? Hahaha

I've always been fascinated and frustrated with how time works and how it's also just a concept humans use to contain what seems to be an infinite meaningless existence in a more limited timeframe. But this is just my fear of uncertainty talking so let's ignore this and get on with our lives. Haha

Day 30 - Highs And Lows

2011-05-31T09:34:00.000+08:00

Since this month is finally coming to an end, its best to finally finish what was supposed to be a 30 day challenge as well. May went by slow! And unlike the past months where it kind of just skipped to the end, this one felt like someone pressed replay and weeks came into existence twice longer than usual.

A lot has happened which I am humbly grateful for: first, I finally pushed myself into the corporate world and survived the first week of training. I don't care whether it'll swallow me whole or spit me right off the window from the 29th floor (where I'll be spending my sleepless nights for the next 6 weeks), I just fought my way through PMS and flu to get this far. Haha! It has just been a week and I think I have gotten that far. Silly me.

Second, my auntie flew in from the States just recently, bearing gifts to her nieces and the house felt more alive than usual. Lastly, Marko and I have gone halfway closer to our anniversary and the more I think about it, the more I get this fuzzy feeling inside. He seems to know all the things that makes me happy. Funny thing here is, I'm beginning to notice how I am becoming future-oriented little by little :)) But still, I'm taking each day at a time and I know how some things would start changing once June starts. What's more important is, I'm all for what's here and what's now.

I just want to float around this feeling for a while though. :>

Day 29 - Goals for the next 30 days

2011-05-18T18:46:00.000+08:00

Since I'm going to enter the corporate world soon and I need that early regularization:

finish all pre-employment requirements by the end of this month
perfect attendance
work hard

That's all. I'm not really a fan of setting too many goals and having none of them achieved.

Day 28 - I Miss...

2011-05-17T21:41:00.001+08:00

I miss going to school. I miss everything about college life.

I miss Hanna's apartment and the crazy things we do there.

Day 27 - Problems

2011-05-17T20:42:00.000+08:00

My feet are sore from all the walking I did today. I felt pretty proud of myself with all that workout I achieved going from one place to another but getting lost around Makati can be pretty frustrating lalo na't ang init init! I did my medical exam and got my TIN# at BIR this afternoon. All the while, I thought to myself, ang hassle maging adult! And to think we used to curse being teenagers back then. Haha! Foolishness. Now, you have to be responsible over payments, forms, memberships, and etc. And you can't expect other people to do it for you. Oh, the hassles of getting older! :D I had a major calorie intake when I got home though, now I'm regretting all those pasta I ate to console my aching soles.

Day 26 - What kind of person attracts you?

2011-05-10T18:47:00.000+08:00

Its part of our human nature to be drawn to people who, in some way or another, resembles who we are. We tend to get attracted over those who like the things we like, do the same things we do, even those who subtly echo the things we say. We are all narcissistic, varying only in levels and degrees. So to be able to describe the kind of person which attracts me, its important to understand the kind of person that I am. Chos.

To keep it simple, I like people who genuinely give an effort to listen to what you say when you speak to them. I like those who can effortlessly tell interesting stories which doesn't always revolve around themselves. I especially like those who are true to themselves and stay who they are even in the midst of a pretentious crowd.

Day 25 - Someone Who Fascinates Me

2011-05-09T18:12:00.000+08:00

photos by Krizia Cruz

The girl on the photo with a half-done tattoo is my college friend Krizia. We never really had the chance to get to know each other well enough but she fascinates me. I got to spend some time with her after classes over boring clerical jobs during our (almost) month-long educational practicum and at times, I bring Shadow (my Nikon F60) along and we talk about photography. Other times, I play tunes on my phone only to find out that she listens to the same bands. We sing along with Passion Pits and Phoenix and talk about our love for Franco and Urbandub. I never really imagined we had so much in common but we do. We fix our make-up before and after a day's work, we go fill up our water bottles during breaks. She's also great at swimming, she plays the drums, and of course, she has a wicked tattoo. Enough said :D

Day 24 - My Favorite Movie

2011-05-08T17:37:00.000+08:00

For someone who loves watching movies, I found it difficult to pick my favorite. But I remember how I liked this movie called Starter For 10 and thought that if I were to become a full-fledged filmmaker someday, it'll probably be something like this :D

According to rottentomatoes.com, Starter For 10 "is a spirited coming-0f-age tale, set in 1985 about a working-class student Brian Jackson and how he navigates his first year at Bristol University" Its funny, light-hearted, and honest.

Day 23 - Famous Guys I Find Attractive

2011-05-07T16:31:00.000+08:00

Dean Winchester

Michael Scofield

Dexter Morgan

Iwan Rheon

James McAvoy

Zac Efron

Lee Min Ho

Day 22 - For The Past 2 Years

2011-05-07T15:18:00.000+08:00

Last night, I got to spend some quality time with my best friends Erika and Paige. We did a lot of catching up; we exchanged stories over dinner, shared recent experiences and offered pieces of advice. There was even a point later that night when I suddenly noticed how much we've changed. I've known these girls for the longest time and it just occurred to me how matured we've become. Here, I thought, as I let the moment wash over me, are the two of the strongest and smartest women I know. Parang dati lang, we were talking about boys and now, well...we still talked about boys, only in an entirely different level. Haha!

And I guess, who you are is a reflection of those whom you are constantly around with. For the past 2 years, I've grown and made decisions I wouldn't have made had it not been for the experiences I've had and the mistakes I've made along the way. The books I've read, the movies, documentaries, music, the people that has influenced me, also made an impact on my beliefs now. Pag binabasa ko nga yung mga journals ko before, I can't help but laugh to myself xD Sometimes, I'm even surprised that I've written it.

Day 21 - Favorite Shows

2011-05-01T21:59:00.000+08:00

I like watching TV series. Last year's favorites were Lost and Dexter but recently, I've been spending sleepless nights watching How I Met Your Mother on my bed until the wee hours in the morning. I'm still on its third season because I promise myself not to get addicted to it and watch only and absolutely only when I have nothing else important to do (i.e. find jobs online) so the hours spent watching HIMYM are sometimes the highlight of my exceptionally unproductive days. Surprisingly, I've been busy, going out and about for the last couple of days. I did walk-in applications at several companies at Makati with only google map in hand. :)) I've done a few interesting interviews as well but so far, I'm still on the look out. I'll keep my eyes on the goal!

Day 20 - Importance of Education

2011-05-01T02:37:00.000+08:00

I thought about starting this with the idea of what my friend once wrote. He asked, what does someone who wasn't fortunate enough to finish school have against someone who actually did. We are all familiar with people who are rich now yet they didn't go to college or had the chance to finish, and all other success stories but I think its an entirely different debate. People's success in life regardless or whether they have had proper education or not is one thing, having to go through school and soak up all the information like a sponge for knowledge's sake is another. And that's where the importance of education for me comes in.

Early exposure to learning opens the road to curiosity, imagination, and reason the moment we learn how to read. Reading gives us light on how to be a cultured man, a man of great taste; teaches us how to act and live in a society, and if one doesn't want to be dictated by standards, reading all the more points us that we can create our lives based on our own choices.

I can go on about all the other marvelous things we can learn in school. The only thing I dreaded about college was the time wasted studying about those I wasn't remotely interested in but had to because its all part of the system. Imagine if it was used to nurture our interests on topics we are actually into. In the end, I like going to school! I love it! I actually miss it right now, I wish I can go back and you know, meet teachers who can inspire me, who's devoted to passion and creativity.

Day 19 - Disrespecting Your Parents

2011-05-01T02:17:00.000+08:00

There is no perfect son/daughter. It doesn't even exist in television. We, as perfectly normal kids, have once or twice (or a lot more than that I hope not) disrespected our parents either in words or in actions. I have witnessed some of these moments with my own eyes and it has gotten to the point where it's almost as if it came straight out of a dramatic scene from a telenovela. I for one, have raised my voice and used a tone against my parents and I tell you, it hurt. I felt how painful it is for them the moment I said it. And it usually pains me more that there is absolutely nothing you can do to take it back.

Day 18 - Beliefs

2011-05-01T02:04:00.000+08:00

I've always wanted to read Tuesdays With Morrie but didn't have the chance to until Marko recently lent me a copy. My philosophies in life are more or less reflected by Morrie's beliefs: that most of us are half-asleep, keeping ourselves busy with things that aren't worth it, and that we all can reach our full potential if we do not have such wrong priorities and worldly distractions.

He talked about death and how we can only begin to really start living the moment we realize we will die someday. I'm still not used to this. I'm like all the other people out there who, according to Morrie, know they will die but doesn't fully realize it. One of life's ironies is that we need to be introduced to the bad side of things in order for us to appreciate the good ones.

Day 16 - Mainstream Music

2011-04-28T22:14:00.000+08:00

Although I like mainstream music, I mostly dig artists only few people listen to. I have this perception that once a certain thing goes mainstream, it gradually loses its charm. But to each is his own, and it doesn't matter whether its mainstream or not, as long as it moves you.

Day 15 - Favorite Sites

2011-04-28T21:34:00.000+08:00

Click blog titles for a direct link to the site.

Blushing Ambition

Food porn, easy fashion, and everyday life of a 22 year old.

Park & Cube

Not another fashion blog. Funny, witty, visually appealing both in photos and words.

Cavaan

Travel photos, interesting fashion sense, and other creative pursuits.

Ellevictoire

A fashion blog who doesn't try too hard.

Days Go By

For inspiring photos of youth where the light is always good.

Day 14 - Earliest Memory

2011-04-28T20:55:00.000+08:00

Though very vague, like one of those dreams you can't seem to recall after waking up, I remember this day where my mother accompanied me to the nursery school for a sort of exam. They made me answer this test like what color should apples be in, how many circles are there, etc. I skipped nursery and went straight to kindergarten. One time my teacher made me face the wall for being too noisy.

2011-04-27T15:59:00.000+08:00

I always expect. I never learn. I tell myself not to but I always seem to do. I know expectations lead to feelings that hurt you. So I detach myself. When I do, hurt doesn't seem to hurt as much; emotions are easier to handle, if there is any of it left. When I detach myself, I don't expect, I don't get frustrated, and I get better at it that I am already numb. But I don't want to be numb, and I don't want to get hurt either. I thought I was rational, what choice am I left with? I can't seem to see the answer, some thoughts are clouding my mind.

Day 13 - Somewhere

2011-04-26T22:37:00.000+08:00

I'd like to go somewhere peaceful, away from the bustling noise of the city, far from the tall concrete buildings and cable wirings that although I love so much, can get a bit overrated. It would be nice to see mountains for a change, be with animals, and breathe fresh air. I kind of miss the province; I miss its quietness, the early morning breeze and the insects at night. I want to go to the jungle! I want to see wild animals and maybe get chased by the Zebras, who are being chased by the lions. Haha! I'd like to see an elephant in real life, an authentic jungle elephant. To be able to touch and ride it. Pero, actually, anywhere is fine :)

Day 12 - Bullet Your Whole Day

2011-04-25T03:29:00.000+08:00

12:26pm I woke up with mom calling me for lunch
had lunch with my family
watched Prince of Persia
read couple of chapters of Dracula
dozed off
5pm: woke up and went online
took a bath and went to church
had dinner
watched DC Cupcakes with sister and mom
more TV with sister while the rest of the family went to sleep
brother came home with a crappy dvd copy of Source Code (but we watched it anyway haha)
went to bed but watched this documentary/film Henry Darger: The Realm of The Unreal
20 mins left to its end, I paused, got up and felt a need to write on my journal
3am: I went online
4am: I saw my brother leave for work and I am typing this while waiting for stuff to finish downloading

Day 11 - Songs on Shuffle

2011-04-23T16:44:00.000+08:00

Girlfriend - Phoenix
Hangman - Motion City Soundtrack
Fantasy - The XX
Infinity - The XX
Call It Off - Tegan and Sara
Sweet Disposition - The Temper Trap
Life Is Simple In The Moonlight - The Strokes
Rest - The Temper Trap
Long Distance Call - The Phoenix
Hold Me Down - Motion City Soundtrack

P.S. I don't have an iPod and I have only 6 artists in my archos. :))

Day 10 - First Kiss. First Love. And all that Jazz

2011-04-22T18:15:00.000+08:00

I was seventeen when I had my first kiss. I used to go out with this guy named Kirk whom I went in the same high school with. Funny how I refer to him as 'this guy' now when I used to write a lot about him before. I couldn't remember much of what happened then but thanks to my journal entries, I've kept track on how naive and clueless I was when I was younger. I wrote, in verbatim, "that it was something I never expected to happen... It clouded my mind, enveloped me with unexplainable emotions and had me weak in the knees." talk about kabaduyan! Haha!

As for my first love. Well, let's just say it's 'now showing' and we haven't reached the climax yet. And all that leads to it--the anticipation, the drama, the suspense, is just about to unfold. It's hard to say how things are going to progress when you're just in the beginning. It's like when you've just escalated from the starting point of a roller coaster and you're slowly reaching the top but you're not exactly there yet to decide whether you should start feeling scared. But you feel it anyway because you know its going to be a crazy ride!

Day 9 - Hope & Future

2011-04-22T13:20:00.000+08:00

There are reasons why I don't think much about the future. I don't want to be frustrated by the expectations I fail to meet, for one. Wherever the hands of time decide to put me, I hope for only one thing: that I may never forget how it feels like to be passionate about something.

Day 8 - The Moment You Felt Most Satisfied With Your Life

2011-04-20T14:44:00.000+08:00

I don't think I have ever been fully satisfied with myself. At least not to the extent that I will never go pass the feeling. The first thing that came to mind was when Hanna and I were able to finish our entry for Psynemalaya, a documentary contest held at our college late last year entitled "Last Leaf". It didn't win anything but to be able to bring it into completion was for me the accomplishment itself; I'm pretty pleased with how it turned out. I have put so much of myself in that endeavor and it wouldn't be possible without the help of my friends. Sounds cliche but literally, I couldn't have done it without them.

With so much ideas in my head along with so many other distractions, it takes a long while before I actually finish things I leave halfway. And false starts can be exhausting. Memo and I had this brief cyber-conversation about our dreams and how we don't have the means to reach them which is frustrating because....it just is. Let's not poke at old wounds now, shall we. Haha!

Day 7 - Astrology and Personality

2011-04-19T17:01:00.000+08:00

My zodiac sign says that I'm attentive to details, overly critical to others (and more so to myself), lives life according to a set of fixed expectations, and other things like this one which sums up what I think my personality and being a Virgin share in common. And while I think that astrology may be somewhat believable, I have more confidence on psychology, which is based on scientific research and supported by theories. The four temperaments, the Five-Factor Model of personality and such--these give us more accurate definitions of one's personality. Or maybe I'm just biased. Haha!

Day 6 - About Me

2011-04-18T20:31:00.000+08:00

It says on the list that I should put 30 10 Interesting (?) Facts About Me:

I have a few weird sleeping positions
I like listening to bands that only few people I know listen to
I've been running this blog for 6 years now exactly on July
I like talking. To myself. Out loud. Sometimes
I shoot film!
I can create some rad art if I really put myself into it
If there is one thing I absolutely fear, it is to die--without having the chance to see/experience other parts of the world
I've always thought that if my life was made into a movie, it'll be like an indie foreign film: slow-paced yet cinematic
I like to be stimulated
And lastly I am fascinated with simple things: people, life, and the world (okay, they are not exactly simple)

This photo of me is taken by none other than Hanna :)

Soulful

2011-04-17T23:43:00.000+08:00

I am absolutely a fan of Phoenix. And these kids from PS22 Chorus covered one of their songs Lisztomania and can you just look at their faces. I think its sensational! I love it. And imagine my surprise when I landed on their YouTube page and saw Passion Pits renditions!!! And dami pa nilang great covers, they are like angels.

Day 5 - Suicide

2011-04-17T14:53:00.000+08:00

Part of this 30 day writing challenge is to talk about 'a time you thought about ending your life'. I don't know exactly what to write, it hasn't entered my mind yet, to be quite honest. I am for one, afraid with the very thought of dying and two, I am no fan of pain--physical, emotional, or of any kind. The weather is so darn hot on this part of the planet though. I want to go to the beach or wherever and take pictures but I seem to have turned into a lazy cat on a one hot summer day. Purr...

Day 4 - Religion

2011-04-16T14:46:00.000+08:00

My views on religion is fairly simple: it is something that we human beings created for our own sanity's sake. We are all driven to give meaning out of our seemingly meaningless existence; it's in our nature, we can't help but question life amongst other things. And while other people believe in existentialism, others believe in gods. Religion, I believe, is some kind of comfort we hold on to, an oasis in the middle of all this chaos which is life. I remember this line from a book called The Tree of Enlightenment, an introduction to the major traditions of Buddism which I never had the chance to finish, that says

people tend to look inward for safety and security in an even more uncertain world. They instinctively look to religion....for stability in the midst of uncertainty

And with that I strongly think that it is a choice. A personal thing between you and whoever god you believe in (for we have so many names for the same thing). And while I don't entirely believe in Christianity, a religion I was given by default, I have decided that it doesn't mean I can't experience it. I mean, its teachings are fairly relevant if you think about it (just like any other religion there is). Suppose it all boils down to this, I am a spiritual person, not a religious one.

Day 3 - Drugs and Alcohol

2011-04-14T21:28:00.000+08:00

The way I see it, alcoholic beverages are enjoyed not by its taste but by the feeling it gives you when the drink starts kicking in. For me its like a roller coaster ride where your head is constantly spinning and your insides are splitting apart. Sounds really nasty but its the thrill that lures us in. I like how I feel all warm and extra flirty when I get a little tipsy ;P But mostly, I enjoy it because of the company. Drugs on the other hand is like a tempting thought I can't keep my mind from thinking. You know what they say "try everything once" and all those tales people say you will experience all the more tempts me in to this idea of yeah, what the hell! Let's get this over with! XD But I dunno, if its there then.... you get the drift.

Day 2 - Future

2011-04-14T13:35:00.000+08:00

Where would you like to be in 10 years? Oh, future. It's as bleak as a Peeping Tom looking through layers of bathroom curtains, you can't even make out the form of the silhouette. I try not to think about it, I've realized long before that if I'm not present-oriented, I tend to dwell on the past. And film photography reinforces it! You see, pictures, they are all but frozen memories. And as much as I enjoy it, there lies this thought that what it is, is all that there is now. (What?)

But you see, we humans, we can't help ourselves but think about the what could bes, the what ifs, daydreaming as if there aren't more important things to think about. I am guilty beyond reasonable doubt! And though I am no fan of the future, I believe in what R. Greene said that,

"If you have a long-term goal for yourself, one that you have imagined in detail, then you are better able to make the proper decision in the present."

Ain't that a beauty? So ten years from now I am 30. With two kids: a boy age 5 & and girl age 3; working in a reputable company with a reputable job that doesn't keep me from doing photography and baking on the side. I travel from time to time with my husband and kids because we love going to places, and my children are sun-burnt from always spending time under the sun and our photo albums will be as fat as our bellys. Yeah, that would be nice.

Day 1 - Your Current Relationship

2011-04-12T21:46:00.000+08:00

My brother has this quote on his wall that says: Talk is cheap. I realized that I kind of live in that same philosophy if you can refer to it as such. In a world where people exchange words and promises with such ease and sometimes even without a degree of consideration, makes it hard to filter what one should believe, what one should even listen to. That is why I think, I think too much. Too much that thoughts never get pass my lips and stays in my head forever instead.

But last year, June 1 to be exact, I wrote this entry in my journal. An excerpt:

I think I am choosy. I am a very visual person and I'm a big fan of beauty and aesthetic. I want a boy who dresses well and keeps a healthy lifestyle. Who takes good care of himself without trying, without making it too obvious. I like tall and lean guys who can sport a white shirt and jeans any given day. He's easy-going, slow with temper, but has authority and control. He is flexible. Knows how to get along with different people but not necessarily a crowd-pleaser. But above all, I want a sweet guy who is honest, like Mr. Rochester, who can speak aloud his thoughts, feelings and wearies; but also like Mr. Darcy who can be stern, mysterious, and hard to read in times when I want to be puzzled.

Why am I writing this down anyway???

I want a guy who would not only let me be goofy and silly but also join me in when I feel like acting childish. But he knows when to control me and stops me from doing things my judgment impairs to decide otherwise....

I know it might sound all mushy and stuff. I was just being real. Haha! And its funny how I kind of got what I wanted. Perhaps the Law of Attraction really does work. That when you really want something, and you ask, the universe will find its way to provide it. And though I know that it may be too soon to say that things will last the way it is (because nothing does anyway), I am grateful for 'what is' at the moment and one thing I know for sure: all of these are too important for me now not to take care of.

"Date a girl who takes photographs."

2011-04-11T18:08:00.000+08:00

Date a girl who takes photographs. Date a girl whose favorite sound is the click-click of the shutter as it closes and opens to capture a memory. Date a girl who sees the wonder in the simplest things. Date a girl who looks at the world and wonders how to put a little of herself in it.
You might find her in the park, lost behind her lens, the world a blur around her as she tries to capture a single moment in time. You might find her in an exhibit, a look of concentration on her face as she contemplates a photograph that called out to her as she was passing by. Or maybe you will find her in a bookstore, a book in her lap as she pores over photographs of weddings all the while wondering what hers would look like.
Take her out to photo walks and laugh as she tries to take a picture of you. When she gets tired of walking, buy her cupcakes but wait until she has taken pictures of them before proceeding to eat them. Listen as she tells you her ideas for a photo shoot on the ride home.
Take her to a restaurant and wait patiently as she surveys the menu carefully, appreciating the food photography. And again, wait until she has taken a photo of your food before digging in. Allow her introduce you to Ansel Adams while you both eat your lunch. Introduce her to your favorite musician as you wait for the bill to arrive. When you get home, change your Facebook profile picture into a photograph she took of you. She silently hoped for it.
Take stolen shots of her. Compile it and give it to her on her birthday. Tell her you love her over and over until your voice replaces the click of the shutter as her favorite sound. Kiss her after she lifts her head up from the camera. Give her camera-shaped necklaces. Go places with her.
You will never be bored again.
Date a girl who takes photographs. She will never whine about a little dirt on her favorite pair of jeans as she kneels down to get a better angle of her subject. She will never be afraid to take adventures with you. She will take photographs of you not just with her camera but with her mind as well and keep it to herself to admire at night. But above all, she will teach you how to look at the world with a brand new perspective and she will do that unknowingly.
Marry a girl who takes photographs. Ditch those wedding photography books and give her the most beautiful wedding you could. She will teach your kids to find the beauty in everything just as she had taught you. Every day will be an adventure as she tries to create photograph-worthy memories with you. She may wake you up in the middle of the night because she is buzzing with ideas but she will make it up in the morning with a stack of hot pancakes beside a steaming cup of your favorite coffee blend.
Grow old with a girl who takes photographs. Sit with her on the front porch as you both pore over the bits and pieces of the moments you’ve had together. Stroke her hair as you both relive the photo walks that you took and the places you have been when you were both young. Smile as you both reenact your clever wedding vows.
Date a girl who takes photographs because she will always see that “something” in the most “nothing” of things. She will never let anyone take you away from her like she never lets anyone steal her photos and that is just one of the evidences that she loves you.

Written by Claiie Esmile. Something I stumbled upon on Tumblr. It made my day :)

Now How Am I Supposed To Do That?

2011-03-29T23:41:00.000+08:00

I went to school today with a goal in mind. Not knowing that by the end of it will I then realize that its going to be the last day I'm going as a student. The last time I'll be wearing that white uniform I'm not really fond of but I will surprisingly miss. The last...

Not to be dramatic about it or what, I'll save all the tears and hiccups for graduation day happening on the 1st of April, but I really forced myself to be happy today when its like saying goodbye to the times that can never be replaced, memories that can never be duplicated, feelings that will only be remembered but not as it was when you first felt it. And since when does saying goodbye made anyone happy? Let alone you're leaving something so dear to you. And then I came across this line:

“Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.”

—	Yoda (Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith)

Encircled

2011-03-19T14:34:00.000+08:00

So we had this talk with our guidance counselor last night and I learned something new about myself. Or rather, I knew this all along and the talk just reassured it. In a nutshell, it's all about me and this feeling I can't stand whenever something personal is put on the table. I thought about this last night whilst I was in bed waiting for sleep, and I reached a conclusion: I have been so used at being 'calm and collected', always in control of my emotions, that once faced in a situation where I don't know how to react, I turn into a lamb; trembling amongst the wolves.

We think we know ourselves at least to that certain extent that you don't surprise yourself anymore. Leave it to a good counselor and all your buttons show up for all the world to see. Press the wrong ones and chances are, you'll blow up beyond repair.

2011-03-18T23:10:00.000+08:00

I've been having mixed feelings about graduation and lately, I sort of feel obsessed with how there are just several days before it's officially over. Every waking day seems like another step closer to the edge (and I'm about to break LOL). Today changed everything though. When I heard about the mass and the infamous crossing of the Arch of the Centuries, it all felt so surreal yet exciting. Four years worth of sleepless nights and pretend studying all flashed before my eyes. Parang ang dali lang now that I've reached the end. Haha!

Had the much needed quality time with Family too. Had a good laugh. Definitely on top of my good times list. Not to mention the exit interview with our guidance counselor! Oh, it'll be another entry altogether. Off to watch Dexter for now!

You never left my head.

2011-03-17T20:22:00.000+08:00

Dreams. I wish I can fathom your motives. According to Freud, dreams have meaning and are attempts to fulfill unconscious desires. On the contrary, recent researches say that they are just random brain activities devoid of meaning. Then why must this very weird and very much disturbing dream occur to me a couple of nights ago, images that involved, uh, copulation and diriment impediments that would make marriages null and void according to Canon Law (hey, I knew I learned something from that Marriage and Family class). I find solace from the truth that while its good to know, sometimes its better not knowing.

Buuuut. What science knows and what I just read from my very handy book of theories of personality, we are more likely to dream about those we spend time on thinking, and get this, especially those we try not to think about. So that must be why you never left my head.

Powered by White Lies

2011-03-16T20:17:00.000+08:00

With only two weeks left before graduation day, I have been catching up with my reading and finally had the time to watch the second season of Dexter. Its really getting exciting! Mother knows I'm still going to school when in fact I have been sipping tea and wasting time in coffee shops. I know, so bad of me. But I believe we all have the right to do what we love.

Lame rationalization aside, I have been itching to write. I couldn't sleep last night and resorted to yet another round of useless musings about life; past, present, and future. I didn't arrive to any philosophical discovery unfortunately, aside from the fact that I'm really missing a lot of people right now.

About A Girl

2011-03-13T02:54:00.000+08:00

When I entered college back in 2007, Hanna was the first person I ever befriended. We are so alike and so different at the same time. Like identical twins who may look exactly the same yet remain as two different persons.

I see myself a lot in her, although she still remains a mystery just like how you can never really know yourself for sure. She's the closest person whom I can truly be myself with and if perhaps she was a boy, then I've got my soulmate right here, my friends. Haha! I don't want to get all dramatic here, we both know how much we care for each other and we're not afraid to show it. LOL!

We celebrated her 20th birthday eating seafood, watching fireworks, and devouring 7 slices of different kinds of chocolate cakes. I gave up counting calories from the very first sinful bite of that Bailey's cake.

Hanna, if you're reading this, I think you need to cross something out from your Bucket List. :D

All I Ever Wanted

2011-03-10T02:16:00.000+08:00

I remember back in higschool when I saw Urbandub perform live for the very first time, I told myself 'I'm so happy I can die now'. A couple of years later, I got to see Bamboo in flesh and from that moment, I thought I have accomplished what I was born for and told myself 'I'm so happy I can die now' again. Thank God for hyperboles, if it wasn't for them I wouldn't have lived long enough to see Anberlin live tonight!

These guys are the creators of the soundtrack of my life. And to be with them even for just one hour in that one particular night on that one room, is a once-in-a-lifetime event I wouldn't dare miss. The show could have been better if there was a projector or the stage was higher because I had to stretch my neck and tip my toes to their extent just to see through arms and heads. Nevertheless, it was all good in the end. Sobrang bitin nga lang. Was lucky enough to share the night with one of my bestfriends, Paige and of course my boyfriend Marko. :">

Blogging is therapeutic.

2011-02-27T22:11:00.000+08:00

AYOKO NA NANG SCHOOL WORKS! Isang linggo na nga lang ang dami pang kaepalang pinapagawa! Wala na ako sa mood magtype pa ng kalokohan sa Word (yes may MS Office na kami after 4 years LOL) na para lang sa grade na wala namang impact sa pagkatao ko! Shit talaga. Isang week na lang, parang isang iglap na lang to, uupo, sasagot, magiisip ng onti, aalis at tapos na ang kalbaryo. Pero sa totoo lang, gusto ko pa magaral. Yung aral na tipong gugustuhin ko araw-araw; di dahil kelangan kundi dahil gusto ko. Hayyy!

Blessed and Defended

2011-02-24T12:47:00.000+08:00

The last four days have been exciting. Went to Banahaw, ate 36" pizza, underwent thesis defense, and had the sweetest fun night with Marko. This month is coming to its end and the academic requirements are slowing being accomplished, little by little, fading to the memory as the last of it signals that soon, we are no longer college students. I'm not even half close on the process of mentally planning my future because time has been swirling like mad fire in my head, consuming every moment that passes by. And I've been pretty obsessed with memories lately that I have my eyes stuck on what has already happened instead on what will.

Thoughts in limbo.

2011-02-18T18:03:00.000+08:00

So sobrang bilis ng mga araw, feeling ko parang I slept through the whole month of February and woke up only to find out it's already ending. What's ironic is, I hardly had any decent sleep for the past few weeks. I can go on all day complaining about how sick and tired I am doing the thesis and juggling it with other academic shit that requires so much effort but yadda yadda, I know I'm going to miss the stress of college life once I graduate and get sucked in by the inevitable death of me which is employment, office life, work, and all those earthly duties I will soon face in a few months. YAY! Super excited!

WHO AM I KIDDING?! I've had a taste of corporate life (or the lack of if) and man, it was barely three weeks and I was....oh nevermind. There's still a month left until goodbyes and official unemployment.

Latest news: Marko passed the med exam at UST and I am beyond proud. I look up to him in so many ways (and its not just because he's taller than me) and it didn't come as a surprise that he got accepted. He was meant to tread on that path and I envy him for that reason; he's got his life paved out for him at this early time.

We finished our OJT this afternoon and from my list of things to do, defense is the last one standing. And oh, finals on the first week of March but it's just for formality, I think. Haha! Holy molly!!! My heart is tired of suppressing all these feelings.

2011-01-26T19:01:00.000+08:00

Its bad enough that I tend to get too attached to certain things, what more to people.

2011-01-22T16:54:00.001+08:00

Finally, a good movie after such a long while! I have been preoccupied with a lot of things lately, both academic and personal stuff alike. And Wong Kar Wai's My Blueberry Nights is exactly just what I needed to get back on my life. There's just something about the simplicity and honesty from that film that easily put me right at ease; its almost sensual.

I realized that being in a relationship makes you lose a bit part of your individuality when you inevitably incorporates the other person's self into your own in the process. This movie somehow made me get in track of myself again. I have five rolls of films in my drawers and oh, for the love of god I need to get them processed asap!

2011-01-03T01:07:00.000+08:00

Its 1:08 am. I'm listening to the Smiths. The whole house is dark and asleep; the only light is coming from the computer screen. I should be careful from typing too loud as the only sound that can be heard emanate from the rumbling of my fingers on the keyboard. Tegan and Sara's singing "I was married" now. Its 1:11 in the morning and sleep is nowhere to be found. School starts in a few hours. I'm finally going to see my friends and make enemies with academic requirements yet again.

Latest news: I've ran out of films, I haven't finished reading Dracula, the house will be lonely this week and I can't sleep damn it!

2010-12-29T21:58:00.001+08:00

Today, my thesis mates and I met our thesis adviser and talked about the major revisions we had to make on the thesis proposal. I was enlightened, fortunately, with where this thesis of ours is heading to, thanks to Sir Marc. Thesis, amongst all other unexciting things, will be the number one priority I will force myself to face in the coming year. Its just going to reappear itself no matter how good I am at ignoring things I don't like. See, I just used that word 5 times in a single paragraph! Must talk less of bad things from now on.

But then, not talking about it doesn't mean it's not there. Like so many other things in life.

2010-12-25T22:41:00.000+08:00

I hope everyone had at least an-okay of a Christmas Eve. I had a warm and simple dinner with my whole family and it was a great one, to be quite honest. The best I've had I think, ever since I've acquired my own mental barometer for distinguishing a good family gathering from a bad one. Its this time (and sometimes THE ONLY time) of the year where the five of us are complete in the dining table and conversations lasts for more than 5 minutes. XD

Books

2010-12-21T21:25:00.001+08:00

"Have you read more than 6 of these books? The BBC believes most people will have read only 6 of the 100 books listed here."

Instructions: Bold those books you've read in their entirety, italicize the ones you started but didn't finish or read an excerpt.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen

2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien

3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte

4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling

5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee

6 The Bible

7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte

8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell

9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman

10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens

11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott

12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy

13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller

14 Complete Works of Shakespeare

15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier

16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien

17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk

18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger

19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger

20 Middlemarch - George Eliot

21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell

22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald

24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy

25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams

27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky

28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck

29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll

30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame

31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy

32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens

33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis

34 Emma -Jane Austen

35 Persuasion - Jane Austen

36 The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe - CS Lewis

37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini

38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres

39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden

40 Winnie the Pooh - A.A. Milne

41 Animal Farm - George Orwell

42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown

43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving

45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins

46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery

47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy

48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood

49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding

50 Atonement - Ian McEwan

51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel

52 Dune - Frank Herbert

53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons

54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen

55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth

56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon

57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens

58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley

59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon

60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck

62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov

63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt

64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold

65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas

66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac

67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy

68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding

69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie

70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville

71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens

72 Dracula - Bram Stoker

73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett

74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson

75 Ulysses - James Joyce

76 The Inferno - Dante

77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome

78 Germinal - Emile Zola

79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray

80 Possession - AS Byatt

81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens

82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell

83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker

84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro

85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert

86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry

87 Charlotte’s Web - E.B. White

88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom

89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton

91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad

92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks

94 Watership Down - Richard Adams

95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole

96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute

97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas

98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare

99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl

100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

I haven't read most of the good ones here, pero napanuod ko na sa movie. This is for future reference! Oh, so many books, so little time (and not enough money haha). :D

2010-12-19T17:51:00.000+08:00

Its only been a year but so much has changed. Take a look:

(December 2009)

(December 2010 photo by Sugar)

December is a month that I always look forward to: the cold wind, the holiday feast; but most especially its because of Paskuhan. This event never fails to top the list of my most memorable experiences and every Paskuhan is different and unforgettable in its own way. Last year, well let's just say, things got a bit out of control. This year, thought it went out of control too, it was some one heck of crazy night we'll all be laughing about in the future!

Great bands, fireworks, flat tire, a trip to a vulcanizing shop at 2 in the morning, road trip to Marilao, truth or dares, and crazy photos. Good times indeed.

(Paskuhan 2010 photo by Raf)

And I'm happy to say that though this year is ending sooner that my liking, I have lived it to the extent of my abilities. Haha! I wanted every day to count, that's what I told myself when 2010 was just beginning. And looking back, its been great altogether. :)

Remember: whatever you are, always be a good one.

2010-12-08T22:09:00.000+08:00

I feel happy right now. Steady lang, yung feeling kapag naka-float ako sa pool at natiyempuhan kong ako lang ang tao sa clubhouse namin; my mind is clear, my senses are well-stimulated. And now, I have so many things to look forward to. I like this feeling, when you can't wait to wake up the next day. :D And the days after that.

2010-12-04T22:29:00.000+08:00

I must admit, I'm emotional. Very emotional at that. I put up a front that masks all these intense emotions I'm feeling at the back of my head but from time to time, it unleashes itself, like wild horses waiting to run free from the reins I've perfectly tied them to. But aren't we all? We are all alike in so many ways. And we're all different too, so different that we fail to see past all these differences and forget that we are all humans at the end of the day; that no matter how high we've come or how low you've let yourself come down to, we all want the same things.

2010-10-27T18:38:00.000+08:00

It's unfair how you feel in the beginning that things will never start. And when they do, you wonder when it'll end. Until finally, it does come to an end and you kinda wish it didn't.
-Mythology Class by Arnold Arre

That's how I feel towards college and how there's just 5 months left until it ends.

2010-10-26T19:25:00.000+08:00

You're lonely, but you're not alone.

You're alone, but you're not lonely.

You only get to pick one.

A Dream

2010-10-26T00:19:00.000+08:00

Morocco & Spain from Mike Matas on Vimeo.

It has always been my dream to travel. I'd give the people behind the travel shows on Discovery channel and Nat Geo a pat on the back for doing a great job on making me feel limited and frustrated for seating on the couch while they show you the awesomeness of the world you will only get to experience if you have enough dough.

And then there's this couple. And this video this guy made with his girlfriend when they traveled through Morocco and Spain. Lucky bastard; got a nice girlfriend travelling with him on a nice place, carrying a nice, flashy Canon 5D Mark II, and get this: with seven different f*cking lenses! Niiiiice.

And when you dream of a dream, this little fantasy you like to play inside your head once in a while, you see yourself living in it up in your own imagination. And recently, I don't see myself alone. It'd be really nice to do this with someone, you know; I take the pictures, we walk through the unfamiliar places, experience things for the first time, and talk to people and realize there are no strangers in this world, only people you haven't met yet.

Just dropped by...

2010-10-23T15:07:00.000+08:00

So here's the thing. I haven't been totally into this for the past few months although a lot has changed and a lot has happened. I didn't want to think that I'm writing for the sake of the very few people who read the things I write and yet at the same time, that thought lingers at the crevices of my mind along with all other sorts of thoughts that has been tormenting me (in both good and bad ways). 'Tormenting' is a strong word but anyway...it's just difficult to be honest sometimes.

Nothing Really

2010-10-12T21:01:00.001+08:00

Its been a while since I last wrote here. I feel like someone pressed the fast forward button because we are nearing the end of the semester already. I haven't even had the chance to stop and admire the previous month and here we are, counting down the days til sembreak, and the next thing you know, this year has already passed us by.

So what else is there to say, really?

2010-09-20T22:12:00.000+08:00

I want to shoot film!

Time is running out.

2010-09-10T03:40:00.000+08:00

Time keeps on ticking away
Always running away
We’re always running in time.

Today, I finally turned 20. It was such a big deal for me turning old this time around. I badly wanted to have something big to happen, to remember this such eventful day by, to feel good to the point that I'll forget how it feels to feel otherwise. But now that it has finally happened, the clock struck 12, and there I was, feeling the same as when I was 19. I realized that there won't be some magical, breathtaking, nor life-changing thing coming. In the concept of time, I just turned older. That's it.

And I literally wanted to cry.

I remember it clearly, like a movie scene stuck playing inside my head. It was exactly 11:11. Should I make a wish? Bullshit. I was lying on the bed with Paige beside me. I was listening to Coldplay's Fix You and right then and there, I wanted to wallow into my sadness. I thought, I'm going to be 20 soon. I'm not happy. And I thought celebrating it with my best friends would be dynamite. But Eka was late, April is absent, and all Paige can talk about was boys and ***. Not that I could complain....

You shouldn't depend your happiness to other people in the first place. You want to be happy, then strive to be happy by yourself. It sucks but its the reality, you are the only one accountable for your feelings. In my 20 years of existence, one of the major major things I learned (LOL) is that people don't care about what your are saying, they are only thinking about what they're going to say next. We all cared about being heard but we seldom give a fuck about listening.

Suppression

2010-09-09T04:24:00.000+08:00

Iniisa-isang hinahagilap sa sulok ng isip,
nilalangoy ng bawat letra ang bawat kurba ng utak;
na sa sandaling mahawakan ng aking gunita
ang mga salitang nais ipahiwatig,
ay siya naman itong aalunin pabalik
ng utak kong sabaw at sabik.

At sa sandaling maabot ng mga daliri
ang napagtanto,
ay unti-unting kakawala sa pagkakahigpit.
Ikaw ay lilitaw, lulutang at muling sisisid,
sa kaibuturan ng aking isip.

Time keeps on ticking away.

2010-08-16T21:50:00.000+08:00

Just got home from heavy rain and traffic. Good thing I slept through it. Today was exhausting but I had so much fun, its PJ's birthday! BF was complete and I was overwhelmed by how smoothly our lunch went earlier. I felt tired from so much happiness. Is that even possible? Jeesh, of course.

It's one thing that we all get to be complete (all 14 of us), but its an entirely another thing when we get along well together. When we saw Inception, all of us were there, but its not just the same with the birthday celebration we had for PJ. :) I know there are still certain things that need to be straightened out but I really appreciated there weren't bad vibes in the air. At least in that span of time.

I was watching the videos we took when I was on the bus and I can't help but laugh to myself. We kept lighting and blowing the candle on PJ's cake. I thought, when we're all a bit older and we get to see that video again, we'll remember that we are once 20 and we were happy.

Thank you PJ! ♥

Secrets I Tell To My Pillow

2010-08-11T20:59:00.000+08:00

Feeling ko ang bilis ng panahon. Mabilis lang ba ang pag-ikot ng mundo at bigla-bigla na lang gumagabi at umaaraw? Pero hindi rin eh, ganun pa din takbo ng relo. Mga show sa TV lumalabas pa rin sa tinakdang oras. Naalala ko pa naman ang mga ginagawa ko sa buong araw kapag iniisip ko ito sa mga sandaling hindi ako kaagad-agad dinapuan ng antok pagkahiga ko sa kama. Hindi naman pumapalya ang aking memorya at lahat naman ng bagay na aking kinagisnan ay umaayon pa rin sa kung ano ang sa tingin ko ang tama.

So ano ba itong nararamdaman kong pagbilis ng panahon? Alam kong nasabi ko na rin ito dati. Hinalintulad ko pa nga ito sa 'rumaragasang kotseng hindi makapaghintay dumating sa finish line' or something like that.

Sa tuwing nararamdaman ko to, hindi ako mapanatag, pilit sumisiksik sa utak ang pagbabakasakaling I'm not living life to its fullest. It shits the hell out of me. One time, just recently (I can vividly recall that day), I merely existed. Woke up, got dressed, went to school, met my friends, did my OJT, sat there alone for a span of 4 hours surrounded by the four walls of that air-conditioned room; there I was thinking, 'Man, this sucks.' And I rambled on my journal, lines and lines and lines and drew a picture. Went home, saw a former classmate, went in a bus with her and listened to her talk endlessly for the whole two hours we were on the road.

I just existed. I didn't like it. What do I do? There's just so much that I want. I want to go to the African Savannah, be with the wild, be with nature, and forget about modern civilization for a while. Or how about a trip to outer space? Yeah, that would be great. If people get a glimpse of what is out there, they'd be a changed man. I absolutely guarantee it. Just thinking about it makes prelim exams useless. Makes our problem seem nothing.

2010-07-28T02:33:00.000+08:00

Everything else seems easier to do when you don't like what you're doing.

Quiapo

2010-07-26T21:35:00.000+08:00

School has been taking most of my time these past few days; requirements are starting to pile itself up as my schedule begins to get filled with thesis, practice, quiz, practicum, and all those bad words. Last weekend though, my friends and I went to Quiapo for a little trip down that crazy part of Manila.

Quiapo never fails to amaze/frustrate me. Its one of those places where life speeds up faster than normal and the crowd walk past you from all direction that for a moment you decide to stop, the one behind you merely pause and then continues--as if nothing happened. A lot like life if you think about it, you crash and crumble and the world won't stop for anybody. It won't even notice.

Here's a minute (and then some seconds) of the place through my glass eyes. Lol.

Talk to me naman kahit minsan.

2010-07-10T17:54:00.000+08:00

Grabe na ito, I can't contain this feeling, these thoughts that's bothering me. Posible pala yun, na you're suppressing when you badly want to express? I'm not even sure if I have to write it down like this knowing that it can be read by the public but I cannot just keep it in private. Kasi, I have my reasons. And one of it is to connect, to reach into that granite head of yours.

Not taking sides, just expressing.

First, I don't get why some people take things seriously to the point of holding grudges against another. And for what reason? Love. Eto nanaman tayo, that word. That word! I may not see the big picture and seem oblivious to the what is really going on but man, based on what is laid in front of me, you are basically turning truce into battle for your love? I don't friggin' get it.

Second, this love of yours, you already have it, its already yours; after all these years you got what you wanted. Avril Lavigne is singing in my head "Why do you always have to make things so complicated???" she won't stop unless she gets answers. You are making the both of us frustrated.

Lastly, do you ever wonder if its all just in your head? That you are really the problem? That what you see is some distorted view of what you want to see and NOT what it really is? Illusion versus reality. The thoughts in your head versus what's really happening. Remember, whatever the brain looks for, it will find. You keep looking for faults, you keep looking for flaws, for crap, for things to get angry at, you know what, YOU WILL GET IT.

Run, run , run.

2010-07-09T23:09:00.000+08:00

It amazing how certain songs can do better jobs at describing and transforming your feelings into words. When I feel angsty and rebellious I nod along with Tegan and Sara's Hell. Or when I'm angry I sing aloud to Motion City Soundtrack's When You're Around. Especially to the part where the vocalist sings 'And I can't fucking stand it, when you're around!!!'

Sometimes I feel for the song because I have someone I know who can relate to it. MCS's Feel Like Rain for example, with the line that goes: 'We love that game, but we never play 'cause we will lose and we want to stay the way we are, the way we've been for far too long.' When I'm happy, I listen to Noah and The Whale's Blue Skies and feel hopeful: 'Its time to leave those feelings behind....blue skies are coming but I know that its hard'.

But mostly, Copeland's Chin Up sums up what I am recently. The song can be interpreted in many million ways yet somehow, I connect to it. Copeland make most people sleepy but it's one of those bands who writes songs from experience, with a whole lot of heart. 'Sing with your head up, with your eyes closed....because you love to sing!'

On Requiem For A Dream

2010-06-18T01:16:00.000+08:00

It was a good advice from my previous OJT supervisor to watch this film entitled Requiem For A Dream and not know a thing about it because having seen it last night, around 3ish in the morning rather, it almost fucked with my head.

In the first few minutes of the movie, I was surprised by how "old school" the setting was. By this I meant it was shot around year 1990s and guessing by the fashion and the film quality, it was not recent or trying to be (I Googled just now and the movie was released in 2000, what the heck). So anyway, on with story.

The plot is basically about the lives of the 4 main characters and how they got addicted to drugs. And add to that, how they all went to hell for it. This, my friends, what makes it timeless (in my opinion). People will relate to it in years to come. What made it more striking for me was the acting; Ellen Burstyn who played the character Sara Goldfarb did righteous justice to her portrayal that by the end of the movie, her emotions/acting were thisclose in contaminating mine.

I particularly love the last few minutes of the movie. Its worth-watching; performance-wise, plot-wise, overall editing.

Image from Google.

Sleepless

2010-06-12T05:28:00.000+08:00

my mind, my senses
all scattered in places
its four in the morning

do you think of me
when im not there
cause i do, so constantly

and I'm not gonna write
another cliche
but we know its heading that way

cause you make me
contradict myself so easily
so im not gonna stop

i'll stop
when its over
if it ever will.

Something about me.

2010-06-12T02:06:00.000+08:00

THREE WAYS I AM STILL A CHILD:

I get over-excited to see-saws and swings.
I can't be apart from my home/own bed for a long time.
I can't make my own coffee.

THREE WAYS I AM ALREADY OLD:

I'm not afraid of staying out late.
Noisy music is irritating.
Pointless talking kills the hell out of me.

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO:

Shoot film in black and white.
Make a banofee pie.
See Africa.

THREE WAYS THAT I’M A STEREOTYPICAL “GIRL”:

I can shop all day (if only I have the means to).
I watch chic-flicks.
And I'd rather watch FTV than war movies/documentaries any given day.

THREE THINGS OTHER PEOPLE LIKE ABOUT YOU:
(I'm not really sure about this so I’m just guessing.)

I'm a good listener.
I'm easy to be around with.
I always manage to smile and I'm easy to talk to (according to Hanna!).

THREE THINGS YOU DISLIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:

I'm afraid of the unknown.
I find it hard talking about myself.
When I like a person, I like them very much. That it hurts sometimes.

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:

Height from my grandmother.
Nose from my mother.
Face from both parents (like, duh).

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:

Universe.
Death.
Heavy continuous rain at night.

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:

Mirror.
Anything sweet.
Body lotion.

THREE THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX (OR SAME) THAT APPEAL TO YOU: (Oh my god, this is insane. I thought of you in an instant *facepalm*)

Has wide range of music, book, and movie preference.
Mysterious/hard to figure out.
Open-minded and can talk about the most random of things.

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN’T DO:

Headstand
Read when there are other noise/distraction.
Eat takoyaki again.

THREE CAREERS YOU ARE CONSIDERING:

Filmmaker.
Wildlife/portrait photographer.
Tattoo artist (but that's just a dream).

2010-06-03T00:54:00.000+08:00

May nakapagsabi, "bihira maisulat ang kaligayahan". Totoo, no doubt about that. Pero masaya ako ngayon at may kahalong lungkot dahil "all good things come to an end'. Impermanence, isa yan sa Three Universal Characteristics of life ayon sa Buddhism, at mas mabuting tanggapin na lahat ng bagay ay may hangganan. Ang panahon nagbabago, ang oras tumatakbo, ang mga tao naglalaho. Pero sa ngayon, fresh pa ang mga memories, and that's all we get to keep.

Hot damn, that's it.

2010-05-29T03:34:00.000+08:00

I'm tired of looking at girls with long hair that goes all the way down their rib cages with envy! I am letting you grow, you massive mess of wave! Even if that means longer hours in the bath and another hour in front of the mirror (ok, I exaggerate).

What's keeping me at peace these days...

2010-05-25T00:03:00.000+08:00

So I've started reading Jane Eyre last month and up until now I'm still just about halfway down to its end. But you know what, I'm actually taking my time reading this novel. I even feel sad that the book is thinning fast to its last chapters. I'm so into it sometimes that my emotions have been up and down and around it I even forget to breathe. Not to sound exaggerated or anything but really, I need to inhale/exhale ever-so-deeply several times at the end of long paragraphs and realize I have been holding my breath.

How the words are said, the way the emotions are expressed, the pace of the story--it all sends me all sorts of feelings. One time I'm in love, the next thing I'm outraged. I kind of see myself in Jane Eyre for some reasons. Haha! I now know why Ma'am Rox said the book is somewhat a very example of true love. Yikes pero true.